Sarmassophobia is defined as the fear of dating and relationships. Translated literally, it’s the fear of love play. It’s considered to be a social phobia focused on the fear of situations, objects, activities, or people involved in kissing, dating, or flirting.
Here are a few signs that a partner may live with an intense fear of Dating :
1. Comparing every new person you meet to a terrible ex.
2. Knowing you subconsciously pick people who want sex, not relationships.
3. Stressing out more about the prospect of a second date than a first.
4. Using work as an excuse to never go on dates (or cancel at the last minute).
5. Pushing people away by constantly being passive aggressive.
6. Being secretly relieved when someone turns out to be a dick and you can ditch.
7. Forcing yourself to keep using dating apps to prove you aren’t ever invested.
8. Avoiding making plans any further than a week ahead.
9. Spending all your waking hours analysing their messages for signs they are being clingy.
10. Telling anyone who will listen how un-serious this is.
11. Dreading your parents asking about your love life.
12. Refusing to put a label on a situation (even when it is completely obvious to everyone else).
13. Breaking out in a cold sweat at the thought of ‘the chat’.
14. Hearing the words ‘happily ever after’ brings you out in a rash.
Major signs of dating anxiety
Dating anxiety symptoms can manifest in various ways, affecting individuals differently. Some common signs include:
- Excessive worry and overthinking before and during dates
- Fear of rejection or judgment
- Difficulty in making decisions
- Strong desire for perfection
- Physical symptoms like increased heart rate, sweating, nausea, and restlessness
- Avoidance behaviors such as canceling or avoiding dates
- Negative self-talk and self-doubt
- Lack of confidence in social interactions
Causes of Sarmassophobia
According to a study around 17% of adults fear intimacy and avoid closeness in relationships. Like most phobias, sarmassophobia also develops due to unresolved emotional conflicts in the past. The history of these conflicts can be traced back to a person’s childhood or a previous relationship. Restricting yourself from getting into a romantic relationship is an overprotective mechanism that you build to avoid further conflicts.
Sarmassophobia is not gender-specific. Women can also be afraid of love play. 22-year-old Charlotte Underwood said in an interview to Unilad that “sarmassophobia has taken over her life” because she was assaulted when she was 14. According to her, sarmassophobia is different from the fear of commitment. Charlotte said she is married for one year but romantic intimacy is what makes her uncomfortable.
Another woman reveals that whenever she panics before a date, her friends encourage her saying “it’s just one date!” However, she finds relief every time she cancels a date with an excuse in her defence.
If you find yourself showing any (or all) of the above-mentioned signs, it is possible that you may have gone through one of the following situations in life:
Psychologists say that a violent or abusive relationship between parents can cause the fear of intimacy in children when they grow up. Men who have lived with distant and guarded parents in childhood often fear that their partners will neglect them too.
Victims of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse may also find it difficult to build intimate relationships with someone.
Chances are that a man suffering from the fear of love play may have been told as a child that intimacy is taboo and sex is bad. Over time, this belief turned into a fear that prohibits him from building healthy romantic relationships.
Sarmassophobia is also more likely to be found in people who had painful romantic relationships in the past and are scared of getting hurt or heartbroken again.
How to Overcome Sarmassophobia
Sarmassophobia is real. It is not a fancy term coined for narcissists who have commitment issues. It must be treated before it takes a toll on your relationships. It is important to first get to the root cause of the fear. When you understand what is causing the distress, only then can you work towards overcoming it.
A psycho-sexual therapist and relationship counselor can help you overcome sarmassophobia through therapies and counseling sessions. It may take time and a lot of patience, but strong willpower and determination can help you overcome this predicament.
